Mental Health and the car enthusiast - help & support

[slipngripross]

I have a big fear of sharing my A&D and why I get it publicly as I have a business to protect. But at my very lowest before COVID when I was being publicly bullied and harassed for something I had nothing to do with. I had days where I looked around the house to see how I could go, in the end it was my just born daughter that kept me going and she still does now. But I also decided to start writing a book. I just opened a word document and sat down to write about my past, ironic as I am quite heavily dyslexic. It gave me the opportunity to think about family, work and other things in a setting where I allowed myself to breakdown parts of my life and try and asses my feelings then and now. It was not all doom and gloom as I have been fortunate to have great experiences in life, so reliving those by writing them down also helped with my current emotional state. Its been a long time since I opened that document as my Gramp passed away last year and there was a lot about him in it, he was like a best friend.

I have never looked for help in anyway as I feel so many other people have been far worse off in life than me, I also don't like to hinder my partner with it as she had a hard childhood. Currently I sit here after COVID kicked the out of my business of 8 years, I had to take a large loan to keep it all going when it would have been fine otherwise. Now with all the economy people are spending far less and my little business is desperately treading water. The near future looks ok with plans on the horizon. But frankly here and now its a big struggle. If I lost the business and had to work for someone else full time I think that would be it, I can't comprehend life without what I do now.

Vehicles are also a large part of what keeps me going for sure. People say they like cars, on a 1-10 scale of liking machinery I am on 100, I literally couldn't live without it. The events, the journeys, the people. Sometimes I think I won't go to things as it will be to busy, but when I buck up my ideas and go to an event or cars & coffee people come and chat and I am so glad I did. Owning your own business with no permanent staff is one of the loneliest places on the planet at times.

[Darkspeed]

The latest from a guy I follow on YouTube.

[ballbagbagins]

Jun 16, 2023 14:40:37 GMT Mercdan68 said:

I’ve read over all of this, wanted to
Comment but didn’t if that makes sense??
For those that know or have met me I’m what most would call full of life and possibly a bit cocky Well that’s just me I’m a salesman for a living and being forward and a tad cocky is part of me, I’ve many friends and I’d genuinely do anything I can for anyone…….but life and soul of the party doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered from the D word
We’ve had some awful times with our son
At just 20 years old he has been a real handful
And caused us so much heartache

This year we had to make him
Leave our home and not return, this led me into a massive downward spiral I couldn’t share with anyone but my wife
Hopefully fingers crossed he is slowly turning his life around after a recent wake up call
I’ve hit rock bottom and Tbf I’ve had a good few close friends call me and offer support after I reached out
What I consider to be one of my best mates has given the lad a job and called me regularly, I don’t think he realises those ten minute phone calls have helped me through
I know there’s no miracle cure but I’m strong minded and I will never give up on my son even though some days I detested him for what he’s put us through
Mental health can get to us all, just please talk to a friend or family member and try to keep a positive thought or two in your mind
And just a small thanks to my friends for being there when I needed them most
Danny

Your son sounds like how my sibling behaved years back. We had about 8 really stressful years before he moved out. I won't list the stuff he did but his behaviour and subsequent fallout dominated and very nearly destroyed our family. Trying to keep all of his antics within the family was suffocating. We couldn't hide the visits from the police. Mum and dad were trying so hard to protect him even though he was a nightmare.

He's now a great husband and dad with a very respected and difficult job.

Keep loving him Danny, as I know you are, you wouldn't be so hurt if you weren't. But, make sure you and the rest of your family don't pay too dearly for loving him.

[LPlates]

Not much to add other than (please) keep fighting the good fight.

Kudos to all that have shared. Its not easy airing your dirty washing.

Live in Gloucester if anyone needs support. Just drop me a PM, am here most days.

Stay safe all

[braaap]

Jun 16, 2023 14:54:33 GMT zeberdee said:

I think that if someone reads this thread & even feels the slightest bit of comfort , or takes something away from it , then it’s more than done it’s job .

It’s a thread that doesn’t ‘need’ someone to reply or add to it , it just needs that person to realise there not alone in what they feel , even though it very much feels like it at times .

I think that's the essence of this thread: You are not alone with Your situation. More people than You know can understand You.

[dikkehemaworst]

Owning your own business with no permanent staff is one of the loneliest places on the planet at times.[/quote]


Trust me, we have 15 staff at the moment, but man, it feels lonely at times....

[braaap]

I see it from the other point of view: I prefer to be lonely than feel uncomfortable among people.

That's why I get up early when I don't have to, to got to my unit, when there are no other people in the neighbor units.

[88zxturbo]

Jun 16, 2023 14:40:37 GMT Mercdan68 said:

I’ve read over all of this, wanted to
Comment but didn’t if that makes sense??
For those that know or have met me I’m what most would call full of life and possibly a bit cocky Well that’s just me I’m a salesman for a living and being forward and a tad cocky is part of me, I’ve many friends and I’d genuinely do anything I can for anyone…….but life and soul of the party doesn’t mean I haven’t suffered from the D word
We’ve had some awful times with our son
At just 20 years old he has been a real handful
And caused us so much heartache

This year we had to make him
Leave our home and not return, this led me into a massive downward spiral I couldn’t share with anyone but my wife
Hopefully fingers crossed he is slowly turning his life around after a recent wake up call
I’ve hit rock bottom and Tbf I’ve had a good few close friends call me and offer support after I reached out
What I consider to be one of my best mates has given the lad a job and called me regularly, I don’t think he realises those ten minute phone calls have helped me through
I know there’s no miracle cure but I’m strong minded and I will never give up on my son even though some days I detested him for what he’s put us through
Mental health can get to us all, just please talk to a friend or family member and try to keep a positive thought or two in your mind
And just a small thanks to my friends for being there when I needed them most
Danny

Drawing the line and standing firm shows just how good of a father/person you are. Making one of the toughest decisions to cut off a family member for all the right reasons must leave you in turmoil inside but the best thing you could have done. I was the disgraceful son, grandson, brother and friend and my mum kicked me out permanently at 20 years old. I carried on being a bad person for another 8 years and it took a short spell in prison at 25 to stop me causing trouble then another 3 years of heavy drinking to the point I my body was shutting down before I put a stop to it all. It wasn’t until my head was clear that I realised just how much damage I had done it’s hard to see things from a different perspective when your still in the middle of all the s**t. Might take a while yet but lots of “nope, your on your own now” will eventually make him realise that actions have consequence’s and that it takes a long time and alot of hard work to put things right. What you are going through is very common in my experience just doesn’t get spoken about because it’s embarrassing. You haven’t failed, your not responsible for his actions and certainly shouldn’t feel responsible for them although I’m guessing every parent does. Good bit of space and time apart not talking to each other will do all sorts of good. Put yourself and your own head first it’s not selfish at all you can only do so much and the line has to be drawn somewhere.

[Mercdan68]

^^^^^thank you

[igor]

Jun 17, 2023 5:03:32 GMT braaap said:

I see it from the other point of view: I prefer to be lonely than feel uncomfortable among people.

That's why I get up early when I don't have to, to got to my unit, when there are no other people in the neighbor units.

I get this. Alone, but not lonely.

[braaap]

Right, alonely.

[stealthstylz]

Jun 16, 2023 14:40:37 GMT Mercdan68 said:

I’ve read over all of this, wanted to
Comment but didn’t if that makes sense??

My colleague is going through similar with his (mid 20s) step son at the moment. The lad is a grade A bell end, drugs, gangs, police type stuff and unfortunately his mum (colleagues partner) and dad keep bailing him out of the s**t and he'll never change while he's got them running round after him. My colleagues main hobby along with cars is shooting and collecting old ammunition and he has the appropriate licences to own guns and deactivate various rounds etc so having the armed police giving them 6am wake ups looking for the step son isn't good.

Doing what you've done to your lad takes a huge amount of bravery and is a very tough decision , but it's the right thing to do both for him and for you.

[stealthstylz]

This is a great thread. I was always of the "just get on with it" mentality and still struggle to understand A&D even though my wife and eldest daughter suffer with it. It's good that it's been talked about more, and since I hit the self destruct button pretty hard several years ago due to various life stresses I've definitely become more in tune to what my thoughts are doing and try to fix the problems before they can bloom. I've probably become more shy/introverted or whatever as a result but at least it's just me people are getting rather than a front I was putting on.

[andyborris]

I'd like to say that there is no such thing as "normal", your brain is wired a particular way because of an evolutionary need. That may or not be helpful to you as an individual in todays society, but you are not un-normal, you just have a skill set that's not greatly in demand today.

I've had a share of mental health issues, some on-going, but sexual abuse at an early age puts them into perspective, now I can shrug most things off. It's taken a long time to reach this point though.

And finally, thanks for spell checking, I wouldn't (couldn't!) write this without it, being very dislecsic.

A picture, but not a cool car.






Reach out.

[slammage]

I really empathise with everyone on this topic , I too have suffered a lot of down periods in my life when I least expected it , hey it’s not fantastic now even . But , I’d really say if working on the car or driving your retro ride or even this fantastic thread doesn’t help all that well , genuinely see a therapist about stuff , even if you give it a go and don’t enjoy it don’t knock it till you try I was told , it can really be the best £40 or so quid you could spend , it’s not fair to suffer alone and sometimes that unbiased genuine person will make you see it through.

I really think this topic especially with men is taboo still, and I work in an industry with “lads lads” and have seen so many guys go downhill , it saddens me to think but , I think this thread is quite possibly defiantly going to help a lot of people and it already has !

Good luck chaps and the silent readers out there 😊

[ironmighty07]

Thought long and hard about contributing to this thread, by doing so I knew it would involve summarising a long history of depression. So whilst I've probably met no one on the forum so could be quite anonymous, my cars are somewhat more distinctive and easily linked to me.

I was first diagnosed with depression at 19, frighteningly 32 years ago now. Attitudes and treatment were markedly different, and not coping meant failure in the eyes of most. So depression was a hidden shame, and certainly impaired my social skills. It was easier to hide myself away than to constantly hide my "problem".

I am a depressive, not manic, just depressive but there are traits of that manic disorder and being honest for me, in many ways they are great spells. I'm energised, productive and creative, a "can do, anything is possible" attitude, everything you think a healthy balanced person should be… unfortunately in the face of such unfettered optimism, frequently rational becomes ejected from the decision making process and a car enthusiast makes that a dangerous combo.

Sadly when the highs are that high then eventually a low will be equally extreme. Sometimes these lows can be over quickly, other times that darkness can cast a shadow for days, weeks even where all my energy is consumed dealing with the mundanity of life leaving nothing for the "fun" stuff.

Inside that, if I push myself to do a little tinkering, seeking that endorphin rush of a little job ticked off, that might break the funk, I know I'm also one minor incident away from not working on a car for weeks… It is serious that constant knife edge.

So cars are the rock I can climb to find a safe space, but equally a millstone that could at any moment drown me. I think I dropped away from this very forum for about 4 years at one stage.

I have spent time receiving professional help, and it does make a difference but the connection between patient and counsellor has to be "right". If you're still struggling then if you can change the counsellor rather than giving up(appreciate many are stuck within local NHS services and changing isn't easy/possible).

What I will say, to anyone is don't give up, whilst there will be bad days(and in the last 4 years I lost my direct family all to cancer, and a failed relationship) but there will be the odd moment that reminds you to keep going. I once went nearly 10 years without problems, but sometimes a week feels like the greatest victory…It's part of me and who I am, it's shaped where I am now(good and bad).

However this is a car forum, and keeping on theme here's something I bought whilst at the upper end of a manic spell and then never used and sold it 4 or 5 years later…and the 11 yrs and counting Cortina project I bought when my 10 month marriage collapsed….

[brachunky]

It takes huge courage to open up and make ones self potentially even more vulnerable. Some may question why do it. One thing for sure, it gives many reading these posts a ton of comfort, call it what you like, just knowing that we/they are facing similar challenges and not alone. The sad thing is that mental health in general, will continue to sadly increase as modern life tests us more & more.
I appreciate it's not for everyone, but do believe we would benefit immensely from living a far simpler life with fewer demands. I don't see that as going backwards, just resetting ones self a tad. Take care

[MonzaPhil]

A while ago I was at a not car related thing at a posh hotel and in the car park was a Vauxhall Chevette rally car (on a trailer) with My Black Dog stickers. Something I have now dipped in and out of quite regularly after doing a Google. Sometimes even a small thing helps.

I looked at my green Vauxhall which is rotting away in the car park and hope I can tackle it one day if I have the time, energy, money, enthusiasm and physical ability, everything else is going round the track. Not had a single offer of help to do it, nobody has even asked why I'm not driving my car, it's been 7 years. That said, my Monza has been off the road 24 years now, realistically it'll never get done.

I thought of just driving off into the sunset but I'd only get 30 miles before running out of fuel and I couldn't even afford a KitKat once I got anywhere.

[brachunky]

Jun 23, 2023 11:38:16 GMT MonzaPhil said:

A while ago I was at a not car related thing at a posh hotel and in the car park was a Vauxhall Chevette rally car (on a trailer) with My Black Dog stickers. Something I have now dipped in and out of quite regularly after doing a Google. Sometimes even a small thing helps.

I looked at my green Vauxhall which is rotting away in the car park and hope I can tackle it one day if I have the time, energy, money, enthusiasm and physical ability, everything else is going round the track. Not had a single offer of help to do it, nobody has even asked why I'm not driving my car, it's been 7 years. That said, my Monza has been off the road 24 years now, realistically it'll never get done.

I thought of just driving off into the sunset but I'd only get 30 miles before running out of fuel and I couldn't even afford a KitKat once I got anywhere.

Money,money it's a right curse word bud. When the cash is in short supply then the mood, enthusiasm & energy often follows suit. Looking back over the years when cash was tight I would go into the shed/garage/lean to and see what things I could find to help the project along even the tiniest bit. That could have been tidying up tatty wiring by replacing odd ball connectors with soldering or even finding parts I could paint with a half tin of hammerite. These little "no money spent" jobs helped rejig the enthusiasm a bit.
Just washing the car and maybe wiping an oily rag over the chrome can rekindle the love & desire to keep at it!  You may hate me for broaching this but could you/ would you  consider focusing on one of the cars & move the other one on to raise some cash? I have found that too many projects can be very overwhelming and make the situation even tougher.

[brachunky]

Just thought I'd post on this thread to see how everyone's doing. The one thing I love about RR is that its mostly a very neutral place to hang out online despite the occasional posts which can wind some folk up! (Lets not even think of Khans ULEZ melarky) 
I have been pretty occupied with a new project called Auto Distraction based up here in a small village called Twynholm (also F1 ex drivers David Coulthard's home town for many years) Give us a like on the 'ol fbook if you can  I'll post a separate thread on it over the weekend as its very mental health/car based.